Getting To Know You

Questions

If I asked you to touch me, would you?
If I asked you to kiss me, would you?
If I asked you to come to me, could you?
If I asked do you miss me, do you?
If we were in this dark, what would you do?
If I gave you this heart, would it be too soon?
If there was only one more, could you share it?
If I found your clean shirt, could I wear it?
If I said that I'd stay, would you let me?
If the night turned to day, would you regret me?
If you became sick, could I help you?
If your heart was as warm as mine, would I melt too?
If I snored when I slept, would you still smile?
If I told you why I wept, would you stay a while?
If you showed me all your scars, could I want to know more?
If I knew all that you are, could I still hope for more?
If my body wasn't perfection, would you still want to discover it?
If I had buried my reflection, could you help me uncover it? 
If your positive was met with my negative, would it be too much?
If this was all I had to give, would it still be enough?

2 sides of a coin

Sitting outside on this blanket. I miss just lying down in the grass.
My goal was just to be Lauren tonight.
Just be Lauren lying on her back, afro freed, underneath the pale blue sky,
Kissed my the sunset.
Each side of my vision framed with tall palm trees and bougainvilleas.
I just want to be Lauren out here.
I don't want to think about this song and who I'd like to spend it with or who it reminds me of, who it makes me crave.
I just want to be empty and present.
I'm starting to get there and I look to my right to find a scheming, scowling, curious kitty, peering through the small space between the blinds and the window
I scream with laughter.

It gets dark so quickly.
2 minutes can make a world of difference in darkness.
She sits in the shade of the sunset stroking one arm,
Trying to decipher her own feelings.
And she was feeling the weight of numbness in her heart, but now she feels nothing
Just the air of peace the song brings:
A soft piano,
A fluid voice,
Lyrics about the beautiful unexpected moments in life.
She looks up and the sky is coming down again.
The blanket above sprinkled with stars,
Her blanket below sprinkled with grass and words she can't seem to put together in her mind or on paper.
She picks at her curls again and again.
They stretch and then spring back.
She hears a noise over her music and looks to the grass;
It's a small bird, waking the small field, fluttering and flapping.
He hops to the top of the fence then flies off into the dying sunset.
She looks up again then down,
Her papers becoming less and less white and more of a grayish blue.

Word Vomit

I want to free my mind a bit this afternoon.
I want to write, but not thoughtfully.
I want my feelings to pour out like a river rushing over a cliff,
Diving into a breaking and crashing waterfall.
I want to let go of all control on this paper, with this pen.
I want to feel free and dangerous, like being naked in an onyx ocean.
I want to let myself burst forth from my chest and let go.
To write until my rambling nothingness makes sense, like matching the corners of a puzzle.
And I want you to see me,
Completely uncovered and utterly confused.
I need you to watch me as I carefully peel away my security and lay it at my feet,
Disclosing my misconceived and scorned essence.
I want to stand before you with my new found honesty,
My eyes unashamed but disconnected from yours,
Still staring at the haven I've abandoned.
Step closer to examine me, to fully take me in.
Turn my palms upward to read the dark lines,
Sweep my hair away from the truth written on my clavicle.
Twist your fingers around my curls to feel my nature,
Watch them spring back into place.
Breathe in the scent of my psyche.
Once you've understood me, don't fix me.
Just embrace me.

Lunchtime Confessions

As a thicker girl, eating alone in a lounge on my lunch break is not ideal.
And eating normal food like a sandwich or pasta is an unspoken no-no.
I'll look like I'm scarfing down all these unnecessary carbs.
People will look at me and think "mmm... No wonder she's so big."
So I'm obligated to bring a salad with colorful bell peppers, tomatoes, and lean turkey with a side of sliced apples.
As I prepare each forkful Im aware that the stack of vegetables can't be too big, then I'll have to open my mouth wide and I'll look like an even bigger cow then the cow I feel like.
Small bites.
Small, dainty, skinny bites.
And I pat the corners of my mouth with my napkin every so often, just in case they forgot I'm trying to be ladylike and little.
And to my apples... I eat them with a fork, two bites for each slice.
So the people around me think I'm counting my chews and don't care about this small bowl of 70 calories.
And even though I've done everything right, I still feel everyone's thoughts and judgments about who I am and what I look like.
I put the Tupperware back in the communal fridge and walk back to my office, trying to make myself as small and unnoticed as possible.

I think that I could love you

I think that I could love you.

Honestly, I know I could.

But one thing that is standing between my desire and your arms

Is what YOU want.

All that I have to offer is this, but I know part of you still wishes you had that

Your heart is a little limp from that lover from your past.

And I see the hole that she left, the one that looks like her

With the silhouette of the hair and every curve.

And I know that a triangle peg can’t fit into a square hole

And the love that I have could never feed your soul

In the way that it wants, in a way that would make you feel whole.

And I know that I could love you, because to me you are satisfying

This hunger that I’ve started realizing

For an honesty and realness that I’ve had trouble finding

That makes me expose parts of my heart I’ve been hiding

Slash saving for someone that’s worthy of confiding in.

But honestly, I’m unsure if my love offering

Is enough to take this relationship to a level that is mutually edifying.

As the gold plate goes by, I’m not sure if my love contribution

Would or could ever be the solution

For your untouchable contusion.

And even if you loved me too, I know sometimes I’d wonder:

“Do you look at me and think of her?”

Ode to my body

Today , right now, I am a young woman, in an oversized shirt on my friend's couch, listening to Iron and Wine, reflecting on this moment.
I am just this small soul in this even smaller body,
Trying to appreciate every peaceful breathe between stretches of anxiety.
Trying to enjoy the view of my thick, bare legs,
Firm and strong,
One leg extended,
One foot tucked behind the other calf
And my little pink toes tapping in the air.
Trying to embrace the intricate caves of my mind.
This complex maze of endless perceptions and constant conception.
It's late as I yawn and stretch.
I lay my left arm on the couch, sprinkled with little scars and other imperfections.
And as I'm striving to excavate these caverns And deciding if the left or right will lead me to a dead end,
I'm jotting down the paths of my mental expedition containing beautiful directions to nowhere in particular or externally important.
Because I'm just a young woman, propped up on a sofa,
Tilting her head,
Trying to catch the coal and diamonds that are inside.

My thoughts to _______

I regret letting you see me and touch me
I should have put my shirt back on.
I regret touching you.
I should have pulled my hand off.
I should have had more control
And you should have too.
And I feel angry because you told me you wanted ME but you really didn't.
You'll deny it but you definitely took the parts you wanted, ate the good meat and spit out the bits with bone in it.
I've been played.
And I asked what You wanted and you said this relationship but that you couldn't.
Then I told you I was worried this would damage or friendship, but you said it wouldn't.
Yet, here I am texting you or wanting to and getting no thoughts or gestures from you.
And I really thought that we could at least be cool but that wasn't true.
I was in denial for a while about the aftermath
That you said we'd meet in the middle but you're not even on the path.
I thought I could trust you to at least love me as a friend and not put be in this position.
But i don't think you understand what I let you have and how you took my heart and started twistin'.
I never did those things with anyone
I did them because I wanted to but also because I trusted you.
But after this awkward ambiguity looms in the place of what I thought would be something real, now all I have in my chest is trust issues.
It's not all on you though, I should have thought this whole thing through though.
I should have made sure the seed would grow before I planted it.
I should have asked if you even wanted to sew the shrub I planned with it.
I should have looked past my romanticized fantasies and thought past the good feelings and started to contemplate if this woman and man SHOULD be.
So I'll take up my fault in the matter and I'll take yours too and just
Bandage it up like the rest of the cuts.
I'll pull down my sleeve so that you'll never know the little plant that did unintentionally grow.
And the little piece of my heart you unintentionally broke.