Getting To Know You

Questions

If I asked you to touch me, would you?
If I asked you to kiss me, would you?
If I asked you to come to me, could you?
If I asked do you miss me, do you?
If we were in this dark, what would you do?
If I gave you this heart, would it be too soon?
If there was only one more, could you share it?
If I found your clean shirt, could I wear it?
If I said that I'd stay, would you let me?
If the night turned to day, would you regret me?
If you became sick, could I help you?
If your heart was as warm as mine, would I melt too?
If I snored when I slept, would you still smile?
If I told you why I wept, would you stay a while?
If you showed me all your scars, could I want to know more?
If I knew all that you are, could I still hope for more?
If my body wasn't perfection, would you still want to discover it?
If I had buried my reflection, could you help me uncover it? 
If your positive was met with my negative, would it be too much?
If this was all I had to give, would it still be enough?

2 sides of a coin

Sitting outside on this blanket. I miss just lying down in the grass.
My goal was just to be Lauren tonight.
Just be Lauren lying on her back, afro freed, underneath the pale blue sky,
Kissed my the sunset.
Each side of my vision framed with tall palm trees and bougainvilleas.
I just want to be Lauren out here.
I don't want to think about this song and who I'd like to spend it with or who it reminds me of, who it makes me crave.
I just want to be empty and present.
I'm starting to get there and I look to my right to find a scheming, scowling, curious kitty, peering through the small space between the blinds and the window
I scream with laughter.

It gets dark so quickly.
2 minutes can make a world of difference in darkness.
She sits in the shade of the sunset stroking one arm,
Trying to decipher her own feelings.
And she was feeling the weight of numbness in her heart, but now she feels nothing
Just the air of peace the song brings:
A soft piano,
A fluid voice,
Lyrics about the beautiful unexpected moments in life.
She looks up and the sky is coming down again.
The blanket above sprinkled with stars,
Her blanket below sprinkled with grass and words she can't seem to put together in her mind or on paper.
She picks at her curls again and again.
They stretch and then spring back.
She hears a noise over her music and looks to the grass;
It's a small bird, waking the small field, fluttering and flapping.
He hops to the top of the fence then flies off into the dying sunset.
She looks up again then down,
Her papers becoming less and less white and more of a grayish blue.

Word Vomit

I want to free my mind a bit this afternoon.
I want to write, but not thoughtfully.
I want my feelings to pour out like a river rushing over a cliff,
Diving into a breaking and crashing waterfall.
I want to let go of all control on this paper, with this pen.
I want to feel free and dangerous, like being naked in an onyx ocean.
I want to let myself burst forth from my chest and let go.
To write until my rambling nothingness makes sense, like matching the corners of a puzzle.
And I want you to see me,
Completely uncovered and utterly confused.
I need you to watch me as I carefully peel away my security and lay it at my feet,
Disclosing my misconceived and scorned essence.
I want to stand before you with my new found honesty,
My eyes unashamed but disconnected from yours,
Still staring at the haven I've abandoned.
Step closer to examine me, to fully take me in.
Turn my palms upward to read the dark lines,
Sweep my hair away from the truth written on my clavicle.
Twist your fingers around my curls to feel my nature,
Watch them spring back into place.
Breathe in the scent of my psyche.
Once you've understood me, don't fix me.
Just embrace me.

Lunchtime Confessions

As a thicker girl, eating alone in a lounge on my lunch break is not ideal.
And eating normal food like a sandwich or pasta is an unspoken no-no.
I'll look like I'm scarfing down all these unnecessary carbs.
People will look at me and think "mmm... No wonder she's so big."
So I'm obligated to bring a salad with colorful bell peppers, tomatoes, and lean turkey with a side of sliced apples.
As I prepare each forkful Im aware that the stack of vegetables can't be too big, then I'll have to open my mouth wide and I'll look like an even bigger cow then the cow I feel like.
Small bites.
Small, dainty, skinny bites.
And I pat the corners of my mouth with my napkin every so often, just in case they forgot I'm trying to be ladylike and little.
And to my apples... I eat them with a fork, two bites for each slice.
So the people around me think I'm counting my chews and don't care about this small bowl of 70 calories.
And even though I've done everything right, I still feel everyone's thoughts and judgments about who I am and what I look like.
I put the Tupperware back in the communal fridge and walk back to my office, trying to make myself as small and unnoticed as possible.